The Tactical Mind
Byron's Dog Blog
For Everyone
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I absolutely loove my walkies! I need to explore, dig holes and find our what the other animals have had for breakfast. But when do walkies become subject to covert tactical decisions? When it's cold. Let me tell you what I learned...
It was -15° in the mountains, and walkies had become a strictly necessary affair. Once a day, we'd walk for a few hours, around the mountain top, through the dense forest, and along the frozen stream, until we came back to our little home, where the great paw wash would occur, followed by a roaring fire and a hot cup of tea. I'd lay at my dad's feet, feeling extremely content with myself and totally in love with dad. But the problem is that I never really want to go back in the house, because there's so much more to explore!
At first, I would try to trot past the house, hoping that dad wouldn't realize it was our house, and we would just keep walking. But somehow, he always noticed. So, next, I tried to pull very hard on the leash, so he would know that I wanted to go that way. But dad' pretty strong and that didn't really work, either. It was time to get creative. I thought about it, during one of our walks, and then I noticed a pattern.
It seemed like every time we were out in the snow, we would always go back to the house quite soon after I'd done my business. I wondered if the walkies might really just be about that. To test my theory, I held it in. And I was right! We walked for so much longer because of it!
It's a technique dad calls "denial of service", and I use it whenever I'm sure dad wants to go home but I don't want to. It's so effective, that I've started to use it as my standard walking routine, walking for as long as I possibly can before finally striking a deal. It doesn't seem to make much difference in the summer, but it works wonders in the cold weather.
But recently, dad's changed his tactics, and I'm not sure what he's up to. For this reason, I've developed a range of additional tactical maneuvers:
The Drag And Run Technique
This is where, upon approaching the door to the house, I align my body with the opposing building and pressed firmly into it, then I suddenly sprint off, hoping to pull dad so far from the door that he gives up and extends the walk. So far, this has only resulted in excessively worn patches in my coat and a shorter leash near the house.
The Ghost Whining Technique
Here, instead of a full-blown whine, which is known to cause irritation and not yield carrot treats, I just do the faintest whisper of a whine, which seems to get under dad's skin. It's more like a labored breath, and I know he can't stand it. The aim was to irritate him so much, he'd give me what I wanted, just so I would stop. But for some reason, this is also failing to yield carrot treats, and he doesn't seem to pay any attention to it, anymore, so I'm phasing it out.
The Muzzle Misery Claim
I don't use a muzzle, unless I really need to. I'm not a biter, and besides, I really don't like it. So, on those occasions where I do try to cause trouble with another dog, I usually get two minutes of muzzle time, just to show me that it was bad behavior. But when this happens, I act like I'm really miserable about it, in the hopes he'll take it off. This technique exploits the compassion gene, extensively relying on the use of extreme puppy eyes, considerable whining (the more sorrowful, the better), and repeated attempts to remove the muzzle. This last one, of course, is only natural, but it still adds to the effect. Mixed results, so far. Dad really hates to make me sad, but he seems to be at least partly aware of my secret plan.
And, finally, the latest in my advancing understanding of manipulation...
The Begging Technique
Frankly, I'm surprised I only just came up with this one. It's only the last month or so that dad has been receiving the most delicious vegetable box from an organic farm, and it was very shortly after his first taste of those carrots and bell peppers (yes, both are safe for us dogs, in reasonable quantities), that I started working on my new begging technique. Whenever dad picks up either vegetable, I head over to investigate, stopping at his feet, sitting, offering him both of my paws, and providing puppy eyes, as is obviously to be expected.
The truth is, the life of a dog is a surprisingly emotional and manipulative one. We might be your best friends, but we will work against your weaknesses when we need to. Be warned. Your fluffy pal could be lying to you, right now!
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